groaners

Nov. 9th, 2010 08:22 am
tvordlj: (Daffy)
"Which English king invented the fireplace? Alfred the Grate."

"A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck down his trousers. Barman asks "Why have you got a steering wheel stuck down your trousers?" Man replies, "Oh don't start - it's driving me nuts."
tvordlj: (Default)
You know how you say things like "you'll be struck by lightning" when someone says something controversial or blasphemous or whatever?  Or you might think My God strike me down for this. That sort of thing. Well... if it can happen to Jesus, i guess nobody's safe! *snork* Seems a big statue of Jesus in Ohio got struck by lightning and destroyed! I don't know about you, but it strikes me funny!
tvordlj: (astronaut cat DOH)
According to my cousin Stu (WINOLJ), "Word of the wise on St. Patrick's Day: Never iron a four leaf clover, because you don't want to press your luck!"

*snork*
tvordlj: (Bunny Teeth)
This was posted on our employee classified ads forum. On the main listing page there is just the title and the person's name and a small pic of the tree. It jumped right off the page and cracked me up. Clearly the title space was cut off at 30 characters. It would have been ok when they posted it to sell I think, but they added the "SOLD --- " bit to it and it cut off the back end of it.

So they're selling an artificial tree because the cat started chewing on the branches as soon as they started putting it together. It's all new and in perfect condition. erm... except for a few branches with kitty tooth marks, i guess.
tvordlj: (Bunny Teeth)
There's a really great/bad pun in the comment thread of this today that's just tickled my funny bone. "Descartes got there first"...."Before the horse, you mean?" *snork* as far as the cartoon goes, i *think* the term derived or derivative has to do with calculus but i can't remember back that far. I think i put up a mental block against calculus about 10 minutes after the course was done!

Hurricane Bill is making it's way up the east coast. They're not issuing any dire warnings for us yet but predicting high winds and a lot of rain for Sunday and overnight into Monday. Could be as much as 100ml. rain! Eek! We actually haven't had any substantial amount of rain for a few weeks after a miserable July but i don't suppose torrents are going to do the gardens and farms any good either. I'll have candles and batteries at the ready though, in case we do lose our power. Always possible with high winds.
tvordlj: (Daffy Weird)
You know how sometimes you read something quickly and see a word that isn't there which completely changes the sentence? I just scanned the back of a paperback which read "the monsignor was knifed to death....". But i read it as "the monsignor was knitted to death"... *snork* and in gales of giggles with tears running down my face at that one, a coworker cracked "Knit one Peril two" !!! What a way to go, eh! bwahahahaha!!
tvordlj: (Default)
Nicked from [livejournal.com profile] sparklielizard, this one's kind of fun. Not as "fantastic" as Face in Hole, these ones put your face on posters, artwork, billboards, etc.
fun stuff )
tvordlj: (Default)
It's a terrible thing. I shouldn't be laughing. There was a fire in an animal shelter in Ontario where about 100 cats died along with several dogs and rabbits and i feel very bad about that. What struck me funny is that they suspect the cause of the fire is mice. Mice! Chewing through the wires! Talk about "vengeance is mine"!  My coworker says if mice have discovered arson, we're all in for it!
tvordlj: (Bunny Teeth)
I don't know why these amuse me.
but they do )

You failed

Apr. 11th, 2008 01:26 pm
tvordlj: (astronaut cat DOH)
Ok, i've seen some of these before and i'm not sure if they're photoshopped or not but today, they made me laugh.


FAIL )
tvordlj: (Default)
Me and Christmas don't really seem to be a good fit. No, i take that back, me and Christmas *preparations* don't seem to get on too well. You all know the stories about me and trying to get a decent Christmas tree lit and unlit. Are you sitting comfortably? Swallow your liquids before you proceed. You have been warned.

I made cookies today. First batch i forgot the small amount of salt. Might be ok, though, it's gingersnaps and the spices will probably mask the lack of salt. 1/4 teaspoon for over 4 dozen cookies seems hardly likely to be missed.
One batch wasn't enough so i started up a second batch.
Took the egg out of the fridge and laid it in the bowl but unbroken as yet.
Found the molasses and measured it out, squeezing and pushing the last of it out of the carton.
Proceeded to pour it into the bowl, scraping it out of the cup.
As you do.
Then i turned to take the next cooking batch out of the oven and put another one in and slide the cookies off the sheet onto the rack.
Turn back to the bowl with the first few ingredients in it for the next batch and what do i see?
An egg.
Covered in molasses.
Which, because of the egg being cold, is slightly hardened. Cold molasses in December.
Yep.
I start to giggle.
It's hard to giggle and scrape molasses off an egg. Did you know that?
In the end, i broke the egg and tossed the molasses covered shell bits into the bin, licked off my fingers and managed to get a bit more molasses out of the bottom of the carton and into the bowl.
And i remembered the salt this time.
The cookies taste pretty good!

Jeez-its

Dec. 15th, 2007 01:27 pm
tvordlj: (Christmas Hooked)
"Jeez-its".. sounds like a Michael Jackson song a bit, doesn't it? Do you know what it is? Well click behind the link to find out.
sacreligious warning! )
tvordlj: (Wallace and Grommit)
For anyone that's seen the U.K. animated (claymation) Creature Comforts, you will know how funny it is. CBS in the U.S. is doing a short series of it starting tonight (check local listings, 8 Eastern, 9 Atlantic). I'd normally be very afraid because quite often the humour just doesn't translate but the same company, Aardman Productions who created it in the first place, is doing it so it might actually be ok. Anyway, i'm going to check it out.
tvordlj: (Chicken)
It's been 30 years since the first Star Wars movie was released. There was an article in this morning's paper about Star Wars, and how it is a "fantasy for our times" and how it's a fairy tale, a myth. Anyway, the side bar on the page does not seem to be written by the author of the main bit, which was written by a Canwest reporter so i think it was maybe written by the entertainment editor of the local paper. It lists words of wisdom from the Star Wars movie and how it meshes with this guy's life philosophy. Most of the comments beneath the quotes are my version of what the reporter wrote. Here's the full list as written.

"You stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!" - Princess Leia
works as a great comeback line.
"Try not. Do or do not, there is no try." - Yoda
Good philosophy, that.

"I find your lack of faith disturbing" - Darth Vader
ergo - always have faith in yourself.

"Size matters not." - Yoda
On so many levels :)

"Who's the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?" - Obi-Wan Kenobi
Indeed.

And the best one...
"Let the Wookie win." - C-3PO
as the author says "This one's pretty much self-explanitory.

........................................

So why is it that when you have what seems to be a fairly good breakfast (OJ, strawberries, banana, english muffin and peanutbutter), you're starving by 10:00 o'clock a.m.? I thought the protien from the pb would carry me on through. Guess not.
tvordlj: (Smug Dog)
Right. This has to be done. Clearly from the amount of comments on the post i'm about to link for you, many others have linked as well so you may already have seen it. The Dog and the Sweet Potato and it's so true!!
tvordlj: (Dad)
Oh dear God, there's a comic strip in the paper this morning, Pickles, that is SO Dad! We had a cat when we were younger and Dad and the cat had a continuous armed truce. It's a legendary feud well known in the family, from having to pay the vet bills ("Million dollar cat") to the cat wanting in and out the door all the time. In fact, the cat used to pick at the screen, or rub against the mailbox which thumped the lid up and down like he was knocking. Sometimes he rubbed against the house and hit the doorbell which leads me to today's comic strip.
oh how i laughed )
tvordlj: (Yosemite)
Quote from Jay Leno "Today, an Iraqi judge officially dropped all remaining charges against Saddam Hussein. Well, that's nice. You don't want to leave a guy hanging"

And from Conan O'Brian "Caesar's Palace has announced that after five years, they've decided to end their exclusive concert engagement with Celine Dion. To maintain continuity, Caesar's will replace Dion with a shrieking baby and a car alarm."

*snork*
tvordlj: (Smug Dog)
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
4. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

Oh come on. you know you laughed!
tvordlj: (Default)
Thursday's entertainment supplement almost never fails to bring a smile to my face with one thing or another. Today's was no different. They list a few good lines from the late night comedians and one in particular had me *snorking*

from Jay Leno "I finally saw the '40 Year Old Virgin'. It was a line of guys waiting for the Playstation 3"

Seems like quite a few are taking the piss out of Dubya on is trip into Viet Nam (since he managed to avoid that one during his own heyday)

Anyone seen any good movies lately? I haven't been to one in ages. Deck the Halls with Matthew Broderic and Danny DeVito looked like it might be harmless holiday fun in the tradition of Clark Griswold. Everyone is recommending the one about the Illusionists (or was it the Prestige) but i see both of them are off the currently playing list. Wait for the dvd now i guess. Not into Bond, don't like Will Ferrell or else his new movie, Stranger than Fiction, might have been interesting in a "Being John Malkovich" way.

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